I am Charlotte Simmons
A friend of mine once told me I was really brave for applying to study abroad. I remember appreciating the compliment at the time, but not entirely understanding its implications. After all, she had also told me living abroad was one of the best experiences a person can have, so taking that leap didn’t really strike me as something particularly courageous.
Boy, was I wrong.
I must preface this by saying that I’m not a shy person. Anyone who knows me is aware that I’m usually a loud, outgoing, social, guns-blazing, make-friends-in-a-minute sort of person. Some would even tell you I have an ego the size of a house and that I’m confident and sure of myself. So I was really shocked to suddenly discover my feet were too big, my voice was too loud, my face was too weird, my hair was too rebellious, and my body occupied too much space no matter where I stood.
Self-conscious. No better word to describe how I have felt in the past two days: always thinking I was in someone’s way, saying the wrong thing, acting like a crazy person, and, most importantly, feeling like everyone was paying attention to me and judging my every move. In the blink of an eye, I was thirteen again.
Obviously, I know that what I’m feeling is normal. If I stop to think about it, really, this is the first time I am living alone, away from my parents and friends, going to a school where I don’t know any of the students, and, to top it all off, in a foreign country. So it’s not just that I’m out of my element; my element is so far away I have no idea what it was in the first place.
Tom Wolfe once wrote a wonderful book called I Am Charlotte Simmons, in which he tells the story of small town girl who manages to get in a fancy Ivy League university. Expecting to find an environment where people would have the same thirst for knowledge and academia she did, Charlotte Simmons has no idea how to behave when she’s introduced to a world of jocks, frat boys, Valley girls and pretentious pseudo-intellectuals. The novel gives the reader a wonderful insight on the struggles teenagers go through when they move to college, especially those who find themselves in completely unfamiliar ground.
I don’t think I really understood the full meaning of the book’s title until I got to the United States. Asserting and being oneself in a completely new environment is a hard job. Especially when you realise you really are very different from most of the people there. It took me a really long time to finally be OK and happy to be who I am today. Turns out I will have to go through a whole new and more complicated process to be my weird foreign self in an even more foreign and unfamiliar place.
So it turns out my friend was right: living abroad is scary, and it takes guts. However, the last two days were enough to prove my friend was also right about another thing: living abroad is one of the best experiences a person can have. My expectations about the university were more than met, and I can honestly say that, despite the unfamiliar shyness that fell upon me and the eventual desire to spontaneously combust, I couldn’t be more happy with my choice to come to the US.
Exhausted after two days of 9 to 5 orientation lectures, armed with my new MacBook Pro and looking forward to my a free day tomorrow, I can’t help but feel this is where I’m supposed to be right now.
After all, it is frakking beautiful, right?
*hugs*
Your post just makes me wish to be there SOON.
DAMN IT!
Má
August 18, 2009 at 12:14 am
Lovely post! You’re such a good writer in English, you put me to shame. Was I the person you were talking about? I think so. In any event, this will help you appreciate your outgoing personality and your “element,” since some people (like moi) don’t have them even at home! I’m always self-conscious, no matter where I am.
Also, that’s awesome you read Charlotte Simmons, though I hope it didn’t give you a horrible image of American college life (at least it was somewhat realistic).
Well I’m glad to hear you’re settling in, and don’t worry, it will get easier. bjos
Rachel
August 18, 2009 at 12:28 am
*grins* “guns-blazing” totally comes from me. *is proud*
And you’ll be fine. It’ll take a while, and it won’t be easy, and you’ll be tired, and sometimes you’ll want nothing more than to go back to Brazil and collapse into your mother’s arms—but you’ll also have an amazing experience, and I wish you all the luck in the world. (Not that you’ll need it.)
As always, just…be yourself. If people don’t like you for you, they’re not worth knowing. *grins* You’ll be fine; I just know it.
Lots of love, and you know the drill—if you ever need anything, you have my number.
Runi
August 18, 2009 at 1:21 am
Sometimes when I look at those pictures, I can’t help thinking “how calm and cozy this place must be”, but the daily-day chores must be the same as here… or at least, similar. Even so, it looks like paradise! =)
You will be just fine, woman! You know when a cat walks into a new place with its body close to the ground, walking really slow, looking at all places at the same time, looking really scared? But then, after a few days, the cat is already jumping over the couch and scratching everything on its way… “meawing” for love and food, laughs… Well, you’re the cat! I give you a few days, and you’ll own the place!
Vivi
August 18, 2009 at 1:21 pm
thank you, dear, with your words, i could better recall and go deep in my own memories of living abroad, some 20 years ago, at nyu.
i could also better understand the word courage, that in its latin root comes from heart- coragem > coração. so, i wish you are luck enough to take this opportunity to experience opening up the heart as much as you fell free to do so
love
smack!
Tas
August 19, 2009 at 6:49 pm